4/11/2014

I think it's got a little worse since I last posted. I told my mother, finally that I need serious psychiatric care, and she dismissed it. Something along the lines of get off your phone, talk to your family, learn an instrument or some crap and you'll be back to normal. So there's a dead end. The crying has come back. I cry almost four-five times a day, mostly just randomly. I've fought a lot with my family and my boyfriend lately and obviously hasn't helped. Caillou has a terrible eye infection and that has me almost constantly on edge. Anxiety is getting worse. There are some things I've been trying to tell Adheep but I'm not sure how to, because I try to avoid confrontation as far as possible, and that's adding to the anxiety. I don't see any clear direction in my life anymore, a lot like it was last year. Mamma's profound advice for this whole situation was, in a nutshell, 'stop worrying so much'. I've slowly started to realise that my parents are actually pretty shit at doing their job. I don't mean providing me with good education and money and all of that stuff, but emotional help. I don't feel suicidal anymore because I realised that I can't afford to do it. There's a little puppy that'll depend on me, and I can't just leave him with my parents. They'll probably fucking give him up for adoption. I can't even afford to get in a fucking accident. I think Adheep's reconsidering if this relationship is a good idea, and it's suddenly dawned on me that might have to start thinking of alternatives. It's terribly painful, doing that. Maybe my mother is right, and I'll never really be able to finish anything I started. I haven't eaten in almost three days now. I get hungry, but I can't be bothered to eat. Insomnia has set in, which is new.
I tried to talk to mamma about my father shoving me around every time we fight and I'm pretty sure he defended him. That also hurt.
I have a lot of help from Unnati but it's getting exponentially harder for me every passing day. She's not going to be enough, in a couple of days. My parents don't care, my sister's forgotten, Adheep is pretty clueless and is still making it inadvertently worse. So I'm pretty much going to be on my own for this. Not sure how I'll handle it.

01/11/214

Came back from holiday, an sure enough, the situation has worsened.
First for the symptoms:

• Irritability and temper flares are still the same. I avoid confrontation when it comes to my family, and it's started to get worse around my friend and my boyfriend.
• Crying has stopped almost completely, which I take as a sign of progress.
• Sensitivity and mood swings are getting worse. And by worse, I really mean disastrous.
• Feeling of being trapped is also getting worse. I've renovations going on at home. I'm not sure how but the incessant hammering is making it worse. Every minute I spend here is absolutely killing me. 
• Anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm convinced that nothing will work. My career, taking care of Caillou, or any of my relationships with anyone.
• Eating is erratic. I put myself to sleep sometimes when I feel like I can't deal with the anxiety anymore. Which is, well, every night.
• Took a break from drinking but only because I went on holiday. Only reason I'm not at the liquor store is because I'm saving up money for Unnati's phone. I need slightly over 2000 because her sensor isn't working either. 
• Hygiene is still ok. Post shower routines are still a no.
• Headaches have lessened. Nausea is gone.

I don't think I'm taking care of Caillou at all. I've neglected him, completely. My suicidal thoughts are far more in control than they were before. I still don't think there is any point to anything I'm doing or will do. I'd like more than anything to now go to a forest with a couple of bottles of whisky and drink till something kills me or I starve to death or something of that sort. I've suddenly realised that self inflicted injuries are a very real possibility. Although I don't think I'd ever cut myself (far too scared) I wouldn't rule out other forms, even though I'm not sure what they are yet. Risky behaviour, maybe. Drinking large amounts, and very rapidly at that, last week, was definitely some twisted form of self harm.

I'm getting slightly more optimistic about me coming out of this safely each passing day. 

For the time being, I only have three very attainable goals in mind:

1. Take Caillou down for three walks everyday.
2. Go for a run everyday, barring sundays.
3. Write for Nanowrimo.