4/11/2014

I think it's got a little worse since I last posted. I told my mother, finally that I need serious psychiatric care, and she dismissed it. Something along the lines of get off your phone, talk to your family, learn an instrument or some crap and you'll be back to normal. So there's a dead end. The crying has come back. I cry almost four-five times a day, mostly just randomly. I've fought a lot with my family and my boyfriend lately and obviously hasn't helped. Caillou has a terrible eye infection and that has me almost constantly on edge. Anxiety is getting worse. There are some things I've been trying to tell Adheep but I'm not sure how to, because I try to avoid confrontation as far as possible, and that's adding to the anxiety. I don't see any clear direction in my life anymore, a lot like it was last year. Mamma's profound advice for this whole situation was, in a nutshell, 'stop worrying so much'. I've slowly started to realise that my parents are actually pretty shit at doing their job. I don't mean providing me with good education and money and all of that stuff, but emotional help. I don't feel suicidal anymore because I realised that I can't afford to do it. There's a little puppy that'll depend on me, and I can't just leave him with my parents. They'll probably fucking give him up for adoption. I can't even afford to get in a fucking accident. I think Adheep's reconsidering if this relationship is a good idea, and it's suddenly dawned on me that might have to start thinking of alternatives. It's terribly painful, doing that. Maybe my mother is right, and I'll never really be able to finish anything I started. I haven't eaten in almost three days now. I get hungry, but I can't be bothered to eat. Insomnia has set in, which is new.
I tried to talk to mamma about my father shoving me around every time we fight and I'm pretty sure he defended him. That also hurt.
I have a lot of help from Unnati but it's getting exponentially harder for me every passing day. She's not going to be enough, in a couple of days. My parents don't care, my sister's forgotten, Adheep is pretty clueless and is still making it inadvertently worse. So I'm pretty much going to be on my own for this. Not sure how I'll handle it.