01/11/214

Came back from holiday, an sure enough, the situation has worsened.
First for the symptoms:

• Irritability and temper flares are still the same. I avoid confrontation when it comes to my family, and it's started to get worse around my friend and my boyfriend.
• Crying has stopped almost completely, which I take as a sign of progress.
• Sensitivity and mood swings are getting worse. And by worse, I really mean disastrous.
• Feeling of being trapped is also getting worse. I've renovations going on at home. I'm not sure how but the incessant hammering is making it worse. Every minute I spend here is absolutely killing me. 
• Anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm convinced that nothing will work. My career, taking care of Caillou, or any of my relationships with anyone.
• Eating is erratic. I put myself to sleep sometimes when I feel like I can't deal with the anxiety anymore. Which is, well, every night.
• Took a break from drinking but only because I went on holiday. Only reason I'm not at the liquor store is because I'm saving up money for Unnati's phone. I need slightly over 2000 because her sensor isn't working either. 
• Hygiene is still ok. Post shower routines are still a no.
• Headaches have lessened. Nausea is gone.

I don't think I'm taking care of Caillou at all. I've neglected him, completely. My suicidal thoughts are far more in control than they were before. I still don't think there is any point to anything I'm doing or will do. I'd like more than anything to now go to a forest with a couple of bottles of whisky and drink till something kills me or I starve to death or something of that sort. I've suddenly realised that self inflicted injuries are a very real possibility. Although I don't think I'd ever cut myself (far too scared) I wouldn't rule out other forms, even though I'm not sure what they are yet. Risky behaviour, maybe. Drinking large amounts, and very rapidly at that, last week, was definitely some twisted form of self harm.

I'm getting slightly more optimistic about me coming out of this safely each passing day. 

For the time being, I only have three very attainable goals in mind:

1. Take Caillou down for three walks everyday.
2. Go for a run everyday, barring sundays.
3. Write for Nanowrimo.