Strange

It's really strange how the same thing - the same chain of events, the same prospects appear so drastically different to me now, than they did a few weeks ago. I was very okay with my masters, with my plans of going to a better school abroad, and such. Now it feels very bleak. I'm not necessarily pessimistic about my chances, I just feel jaded. I don't see the point, and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Admissions, exams, more exams, graduate. Admissions, exams, graduate. Admission, graduate. Admissions, graduate. Admissions, graduate. Is that all my life is going to be?

11/06/17

I'm becoming increasingly disillusioned with my own strength. What good is it to boast having beat depression multiple times, if you have had to beat it multiple times? It keeps coming back. Maybe I haven't beat it and just firmly asked it to stay away. I find myself feeling very lonely lately. I distrust friends, my family. I know this has all happened before, I know it's just a phase before things get better, or worse. But that doesn't stop the thoughts. But at least exercise helps. It helps quite a lot, actually. I'm glad I go to the gym almost every day. It gives me some peace of mind.

4/11/2014

I think it's got a little worse since I last posted. I told my mother, finally that I need serious psychiatric care, and she dismissed it. Something along the lines of get off your phone, talk to your family, learn an instrument or some crap and you'll be back to normal. So there's a dead end. The crying has come back. I cry almost four-five times a day, mostly just randomly. I've fought a lot with my family and my boyfriend lately and obviously hasn't helped. Caillou has a terrible eye infection and that has me almost constantly on edge. Anxiety is getting worse. There are some things I've been trying to tell Adheep but I'm not sure how to, because I try to avoid confrontation as far as possible, and that's adding to the anxiety. I don't see any clear direction in my life anymore, a lot like it was last year. Mamma's profound advice for this whole situation was, in a nutshell, 'stop worrying so much'. I've slowly started to realise that my parents are actually pretty shit at doing their job. I don't mean providing me with good education and money and all of that stuff, but emotional help. I don't feel suicidal anymore because I realised that I can't afford to do it. There's a little puppy that'll depend on me, and I can't just leave him with my parents. They'll probably fucking give him up for adoption. I can't even afford to get in a fucking accident. I think Adheep's reconsidering if this relationship is a good idea, and it's suddenly dawned on me that might have to start thinking of alternatives. It's terribly painful, doing that. Maybe my mother is right, and I'll never really be able to finish anything I started. I haven't eaten in almost three days now. I get hungry, but I can't be bothered to eat. Insomnia has set in, which is new.
I tried to talk to mamma about my father shoving me around every time we fight and I'm pretty sure he defended him. That also hurt.
I have a lot of help from Unnati but it's getting exponentially harder for me every passing day. She's not going to be enough, in a couple of days. My parents don't care, my sister's forgotten, Adheep is pretty clueless and is still making it inadvertently worse. So I'm pretty much going to be on my own for this. Not sure how I'll handle it.

01/11/214

Came back from holiday, an sure enough, the situation has worsened.
First for the symptoms:

• Irritability and temper flares are still the same. I avoid confrontation when it comes to my family, and it's started to get worse around my friend and my boyfriend.
• Crying has stopped almost completely, which I take as a sign of progress.
• Sensitivity and mood swings are getting worse. And by worse, I really mean disastrous.
• Feeling of being trapped is also getting worse. I've renovations going on at home. I'm not sure how but the incessant hammering is making it worse. Every minute I spend here is absolutely killing me. 
• Anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm convinced that nothing will work. My career, taking care of Caillou, or any of my relationships with anyone.
• Eating is erratic. I put myself to sleep sometimes when I feel like I can't deal with the anxiety anymore. Which is, well, every night.
• Took a break from drinking but only because I went on holiday. Only reason I'm not at the liquor store is because I'm saving up money for Unnati's phone. I need slightly over 2000 because her sensor isn't working either. 
• Hygiene is still ok. Post shower routines are still a no.
• Headaches have lessened. Nausea is gone.

I don't think I'm taking care of Caillou at all. I've neglected him, completely. My suicidal thoughts are far more in control than they were before. I still don't think there is any point to anything I'm doing or will do. I'd like more than anything to now go to a forest with a couple of bottles of whisky and drink till something kills me or I starve to death or something of that sort. I've suddenly realised that self inflicted injuries are a very real possibility. Although I don't think I'd ever cut myself (far too scared) I wouldn't rule out other forms, even though I'm not sure what they are yet. Risky behaviour, maybe. Drinking large amounts, and very rapidly at that, last week, was definitely some twisted form of self harm.

I'm getting slightly more optimistic about me coming out of this safely each passing day. 

For the time being, I only have three very attainable goals in mind:

1. Take Caillou down for three walks everyday.
2. Go for a run everyday, barring sundays.
3. Write for Nanowrimo.

28/10/2014

 I was wrong about me feeling better. If anything, the situation has possibly got worse. What I perceived to be improvement is really a dramatic mood swing. The sensitivity situation is perhaps getting worse. The smallest things make me incredibly happy and the slightest hint of disapproval brings it back to unbearable sadness. Irritability is growing. Not really sure what to do anymore. I understand that I’m annoying a lot of people, but I really don’t know how to stop it. I just wish they’d be nicer to me. I’m not going to sound like a whiny twat going around yelling “Say ONLY nice things to me while I feel like crap, because right now EVERYTHING is about me”, but I the problem is, I really want to. I want people to say nice things and make me feel nice and sympathise with me. I REALLY do. And that’s the most frustrating bit. I want more attention from my family and friends and my dog and my boyfriend. I want them to repeatedly reassure me and tell them that they love me. It’s pathetic, but this is a journal, and I’m supposed to write down my feelings. So there.

27/10/2014

I thought that I would make an entry every week, but there has been some been some progress since I’ve come on holiday. I feel less sad, now. I’d say it’s gone down about 50%. I haven’t had a headache for the past two days, but random nausea is an issue. Haven’t cried since yesterday, either. I know it’s stress related because I’ve had nausea twice so far, apart from a severe hangover, and that was only when I was feeling particularly stressed or nervous. I’ve been very, very anxious. Constantly on edge, waiting for something to go wrong. I could blame it on a couple of things going wrong, but it really isn’t that.

I overdid the drinking a little bit, the other day, and I’m not really sure what followed that, because I don’t remember, but I do remember feeling intensely sad. That’s probably also the most suicidal I’ve felt so far. I found out later that I told Adheep about me being suicidal and I pretty much got yelled at for it, but it’s mostly out of worry. I told my sister that I’ve been feeling very sad lately and I think she understood, but I’m not sure of that either. I know that I had a pretty long conversation with Unnati, but I can’t recollect any of it. I do know however that now I have to see a therapist as soon as I return because the drinking is going out of control, my anxiety is back with a vengeance and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to deal with the primary and secondary symptoms.

Another thing I realized while taking a shower today is that I don’t see anything but an immediate future for myself. I can barely think further than a week. I tried to think about my masters, getting more dogs, even tried thinking about what I was doing this month, or the next, or for new year’s. Nothing.  

My parents still haven’t noticed, or if they have, they haven’t said anything. Caillou is making me feel a lot better about everything, although, quite obviously, not consciously. I find that being around him and other dogs makes me feel very happy, even though it’s temporary. Even just watching them helps. I’m going to make a conscious effort to go down and see other dogs every day when they go down to play. I’ve decided to start running again. I remember feeling fitter and happier about myself when I did, so that’s the next obvious step. The only way to deal with this is to tackle it as aggressively as possible so I can come out of it ASAP. I’m not going to be another one of those patients who wallow in misery for years on an end and cling on to depression because fighting it is ridiculously uncomfortable. I’ve come out of it five times before, I know I can do it again. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. 

24/10/2014

I’ve decided to start journaling to track my progress into this year’s depression. So far it seems to be getting worse quite rapidly. I haven’t gone to a doctor yet, and I don’t intend on going to one. I am not on any medication, and am avoiding self-medication as far as possible. My reasons behind the two, I understand, are quite shallow, and honestly pretty disgusting. I don’t want to go back to therapist because when I was interning under him, I did not give him back his research material in the end; I lost it. Out of fear of punishment and disapproval, I will not return. I will not take the same medications because I understand that they hamper one’s sex drive, and I believe that they definitely do with mine. I also feel withdrawal symptoms, albeit for a very brief time. My boyfriend is coming to see me in December and even though we may not have sex, I wouldn’t still prefer it if I was capable of the same. Also, I’ve grown really tired of dealing with depression and anxiety over and over again. I don’t want to go through the same routine of the same doctors giving me the same advice and the same medicines and the same exercises. I’m just really sick of it. So, I’ve decided to do it differently this time, and just tough it out.

Now to the symptoms. Two things are very prominent this time. First is the sudden increase in irritability and short temperedness, second is the episodic crying jag. The anger happens every day, generally more than twice. Almost always with my parents and it end up with me swearing under my breath and/or walking away. Lately I have been feeling this kind of anger even with Adheep but for some odd reason I haven’t been able to tell him. The crying has been consistently only at night, when I don’t consciously attempt to break my cycle of negative thoughts. I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t been contemplating suicide idly. More about that later. I also cry after I finish with an argument. Although thinking about breaking up, and having to give away Caillou. I’m a lot more sensitive, everything seems to set me off. I can’t stand jokes made at my expense anymore. They make me want to shout and cry and act very violently. I also feel trapped. I feel like managing Caillou and dealing with my family and then trying to cope with how I’ve been feeling about Adheep and also trying to function as normally as possible under this crushing sadness. My sleeping patterns are getting progressively worse too. I wake up very early in the morning, and to make up for the lack of sleep, I sleep through the rest of the day. Eating has been similar. I have list my appetite completely, and occasionally when I do feel hungry I eat everything in sight. I’ve started drinking a lot more than I did. Lately I’ve finished an entire bottle of rum and another one of vodka, and am on my way to finishing another rum. I drink because I feel the need to release my emotions and I can’t seem to do that without the alcohol. Hygiene is a potential issue. I’ve never taken baths regularly anyway, because I tend to be lazy, and sweating is almost never an issue. It takes me considerable amount of mental effort to take a bath every day, but I’ve been pushing myself to do it. Post shower routines have stopped completely. I don’t really care about my appearance anymore – just the bare minimum to keep clean. Headaches have come back, but the early morning nausea isn’t here yet, which is a good thing.

Unnati has been a big support and I realise that I’m being rather whiny and attention seeking, but she’s putting up with it, and hasn’t complained. She’s dealing with this very very well and I’m struggling of think of ways to thank her. I think I will when this is all over. I try to make conversation apart from the regular whining but I don’t think I’m trying hard enough. And she almost never talks about herself so it’s doubly difficult to get my own head out of my ass and talk about what she’s been doing lately. From what I understand she sleeps a lot.

Adheep has been, well, quite a pain in the ass. I realise that I’m being very insensitive, especially with his grandfather and all of that, and I’m really trying not to be. Nobody likes to date someone depressed. And even though sometimes I really hate him lately, and I don’t want to talk to him because he’s being a dick, I still love him very much, and I really am trying to not drive him away. I think I’m failing. I’ve begun preparing myself for the inevitable ‘I don’t think we can do this anymore’ talk, although I’m wondering what I’m going to tell my mother, now that she knows about him. I’m just not sure how I’m going to handle that and the depression at the same time. He’s been rather clueless about this whole deal, unlike Unnati and makes it, without exception, worse every time I talk to him. At this point I just want someone else to step in and talk to him for me because I really don’t know how. I honestly feel like it’ll be much better if he just makes some time to talk to me, instead of fighting, or saying ‘please go to a doctor’.

The rest of my friends and family seem to be unaware of the entire thing, and I think I’d like to keep it like that. I like the way people treat me now, like I’m normal, and I’d like it to stay that way.