24/10/2014

I’ve decided to start journaling to track my progress into this year’s depression. So far it seems to be getting worse quite rapidly. I haven’t gone to a doctor yet, and I don’t intend on going to one. I am not on any medication, and am avoiding self-medication as far as possible. My reasons behind the two, I understand, are quite shallow, and honestly pretty disgusting. I don’t want to go back to therapist because when I was interning under him, I did not give him back his research material in the end; I lost it. Out of fear of punishment and disapproval, I will not return. I will not take the same medications because I understand that they hamper one’s sex drive, and I believe that they definitely do with mine. I also feel withdrawal symptoms, albeit for a very brief time. My boyfriend is coming to see me in December and even though we may not have sex, I wouldn’t still prefer it if I was capable of the same. Also, I’ve grown really tired of dealing with depression and anxiety over and over again. I don’t want to go through the same routine of the same doctors giving me the same advice and the same medicines and the same exercises. I’m just really sick of it. So, I’ve decided to do it differently this time, and just tough it out.

Now to the symptoms. Two things are very prominent this time. First is the sudden increase in irritability and short temperedness, second is the episodic crying jag. The anger happens every day, generally more than twice. Almost always with my parents and it end up with me swearing under my breath and/or walking away. Lately I have been feeling this kind of anger even with Adheep but for some odd reason I haven’t been able to tell him. The crying has been consistently only at night, when I don’t consciously attempt to break my cycle of negative thoughts. I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t been contemplating suicide idly. More about that later. I also cry after I finish with an argument. Although thinking about breaking up, and having to give away Caillou. I’m a lot more sensitive, everything seems to set me off. I can’t stand jokes made at my expense anymore. They make me want to shout and cry and act very violently. I also feel trapped. I feel like managing Caillou and dealing with my family and then trying to cope with how I’ve been feeling about Adheep and also trying to function as normally as possible under this crushing sadness. My sleeping patterns are getting progressively worse too. I wake up very early in the morning, and to make up for the lack of sleep, I sleep through the rest of the day. Eating has been similar. I have list my appetite completely, and occasionally when I do feel hungry I eat everything in sight. I’ve started drinking a lot more than I did. Lately I’ve finished an entire bottle of rum and another one of vodka, and am on my way to finishing another rum. I drink because I feel the need to release my emotions and I can’t seem to do that without the alcohol. Hygiene is a potential issue. I’ve never taken baths regularly anyway, because I tend to be lazy, and sweating is almost never an issue. It takes me considerable amount of mental effort to take a bath every day, but I’ve been pushing myself to do it. Post shower routines have stopped completely. I don’t really care about my appearance anymore – just the bare minimum to keep clean. Headaches have come back, but the early morning nausea isn’t here yet, which is a good thing.

Unnati has been a big support and I realise that I’m being rather whiny and attention seeking, but she’s putting up with it, and hasn’t complained. She’s dealing with this very very well and I’m struggling of think of ways to thank her. I think I will when this is all over. I try to make conversation apart from the regular whining but I don’t think I’m trying hard enough. And she almost never talks about herself so it’s doubly difficult to get my own head out of my ass and talk about what she’s been doing lately. From what I understand she sleeps a lot.

Adheep has been, well, quite a pain in the ass. I realise that I’m being very insensitive, especially with his grandfather and all of that, and I’m really trying not to be. Nobody likes to date someone depressed. And even though sometimes I really hate him lately, and I don’t want to talk to him because he’s being a dick, I still love him very much, and I really am trying to not drive him away. I think I’m failing. I’ve begun preparing myself for the inevitable ‘I don’t think we can do this anymore’ talk, although I’m wondering what I’m going to tell my mother, now that she knows about him. I’m just not sure how I’m going to handle that and the depression at the same time. He’s been rather clueless about this whole deal, unlike Unnati and makes it, without exception, worse every time I talk to him. At this point I just want someone else to step in and talk to him for me because I really don’t know how. I honestly feel like it’ll be much better if he just makes some time to talk to me, instead of fighting, or saying ‘please go to a doctor’.

The rest of my friends and family seem to be unaware of the entire thing, and I think I’d like to keep it like that. I like the way people treat me now, like I’m normal, and I’d like it to stay that way.