27/10/2014

I thought that I would make an entry every week, but there has been some been some progress since I’ve come on holiday. I feel less sad, now. I’d say it’s gone down about 50%. I haven’t had a headache for the past two days, but random nausea is an issue. Haven’t cried since yesterday, either. I know it’s stress related because I’ve had nausea twice so far, apart from a severe hangover, and that was only when I was feeling particularly stressed or nervous. I’ve been very, very anxious. Constantly on edge, waiting for something to go wrong. I could blame it on a couple of things going wrong, but it really isn’t that.

I overdid the drinking a little bit, the other day, and I’m not really sure what followed that, because I don’t remember, but I do remember feeling intensely sad. That’s probably also the most suicidal I’ve felt so far. I found out later that I told Adheep about me being suicidal and I pretty much got yelled at for it, but it’s mostly out of worry. I told my sister that I’ve been feeling very sad lately and I think she understood, but I’m not sure of that either. I know that I had a pretty long conversation with Unnati, but I can’t recollect any of it. I do know however that now I have to see a therapist as soon as I return because the drinking is going out of control, my anxiety is back with a vengeance and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to deal with the primary and secondary symptoms.

Another thing I realized while taking a shower today is that I don’t see anything but an immediate future for myself. I can barely think further than a week. I tried to think about my masters, getting more dogs, even tried thinking about what I was doing this month, or the next, or for new year’s. Nothing.  

My parents still haven’t noticed, or if they have, they haven’t said anything. Caillou is making me feel a lot better about everything, although, quite obviously, not consciously. I find that being around him and other dogs makes me feel very happy, even though it’s temporary. Even just watching them helps. I’m going to make a conscious effort to go down and see other dogs every day when they go down to play. I’ve decided to start running again. I remember feeling fitter and happier about myself when I did, so that’s the next obvious step. The only way to deal with this is to tackle it as aggressively as possible so I can come out of it ASAP. I’m not going to be another one of those patients who wallow in misery for years on an end and cling on to depression because fighting it is ridiculously uncomfortable. I’ve come out of it five times before, I know I can do it again. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.